>I have been thinking this for a few days now ever since I was struck by the statement of a friend: “imagine if you do this, it will be the first! and you will always be remembered as the pioneer for this!” At first, it became my motivation in doing things. But during one of my prayer time, God revealed to me that my motivation is all so wrong. Doing things so I can leave a legacy makes the people focus on you more. Do I like that? Do I like people to remember me because I did this and that? Because i’m good with this and that?
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When my household head before told me that I will become the next Senior Sister, I said no. I was unworthy, I do not know a lot, I feel like I won’t be able to do justice of being one. I was afraid that I will fail. I was afraid because the Senior Sisters before me were all good and even became Mission Volunteer and Full-time Pastoral Workers! And me? Our org was almost expelled in our University because of me! So, do you think i’m worthy???
“It is your heart for God that’s what matters, Khyme” was what she always say. And so, despite of my fears and unworthiness, I jumped off my own cliff and dive to uncertainty of being a Senior Sister, entrusting everything to the God who has called me to pastor His sheep in UST.
I can’t even remember giving a talk for I have a stage fright (surprisingly!). I always stay behind the limelight, taking care of the behind-the-scenes, and making sure that the people were all taken care of. I didn’t even remember doing something great for my org (though I remembered being “makulit” and the funny, corny ate who kept on laughing at anything), that’s why I got surprised to be voted as the Senior Sister of the year for the whole Campus Based that time. (until now, I can’t even remember why!) All I could remember was that, I tried to love every person that came my way – good or bad, and tried to see Christ in them, the way I strive to reflect Christ in me.
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When the Lord called me to go on mission abroad for two years, my first reaction was the same: “I’m not worthy. I’m not talented. I’m not even smart or wise. I am just getting over my drunkenness. And i’m not good in speaking in front.” But after a long pause, I said to the Lord: “But Lord, I’m good at something. I’m good in loving. In taking care of people. In making them feel that they are appreciated. That’s the only thing I know.” And the Lord gave me the go signal saying “That’s what all you need. A heart that is big enough to love a lot and more.”
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It has been 3 1/2 years since I gave my whole life to the Lord through missionary work. Meaning denied myself from the privilege of earning a lot of money from secular work, going out every night and shopping every weekend like I used to, and living a life carelessly. I gave up the life I thought was perfect for me, and found the kind of life that I have always dreamed and desire of.
And I still stay the same as before – stay at the background, just doing what I am expected to do but giving it an extra personal touch, and just loving the people around me the way they needed to be loved. Maybe extra gracious and generous, but nevertheless the same as before. For I only have my heart to give and that loving is the only thing I know i’m good at.
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When my mom died, it made me reflect on how she was remembered by the people around her. And praise God, because I know that she lived well based from the bulk of people who came to her wake to pay their last respect, taking all their time and effort in going to our province because they know that my Mom, who has touched their life in one way or another, deserved their presence. And it made me think… how do i want to be remembered when I die?
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Reflecting on my life right now, I know that the Lord is still not finished with me. I am still a masterpiece in progress. What he only wants me to do is to live a righteous life, faithful and obedient to Him, entrusting Him with everything I have and allowing Him to mold me the way I am created to be. Still a lot to be done in me, but I am ready of how the Lord will use the twist and turns of my life to something great for His purpose.
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Now I know how I wanted to be remembered by the people i love: The one who brought us closer to God, not with her words but how she has lived her life.
Or if that is too glorious for me, if that will take away the spotlight from the Lord… then I desire to be forgotten. For it is always about God, and I am living my life for his glory not mine.