I am in a state of darkness right now.
Not in a state of darkness, pertaining to a sinful life.
But darkness, where everything seems blurry and far from reach. Where you feel cold, uneasy and restless for you are looking for the light.
At first, I was uncomfortable. Asking the Lord many whys and hows and alot more questions.
Couldn’t understand the reason why it feels far from Him. Why it feels dry. Why it feels nothing. Why of all times, it is now. When everyone is inspired. When everyone is passionate. When everyone is on fire.
And I am not.
Why it is so quiet? When I am doing what I am supposed to do as a Christian.
Why is everything became tasteless and unattractive? When all being offered is full of color and life.
Why is it that my heart is restless? And yet, there’s a lot of things to do.
I prayed. And there’s no answer. I prayed again. Still none. This time, my heart shouted, begged, wailed at times, why I couldn’t find the answers to my questions. Why, of all times, am I feeling this way, when I feel like I have done enough, when I feel like I have given my best, when all of my prayers were answered, and miracles experienced… Still… it is silence who confronted me.
Until one day, I attended the mass, the usual way. But what made it special was… it was my Dad’s birthday.
I asked the Lord for 3 special favors: for my Dad, for those who are asking for prayers… and to speak to me personally, for I really need to hear His voice.
And it was through the priest who said these words, that hit me hard core:
” When you sincerely follow Christ, be ready to experience sufferings and offer sacrifices. For a life with Him would not be easy, but it would always be worth it”
And then I realized that this is the life I said yes to. A life with Christ. A life worth sacrificing. A life in suffering with Him.
Then a visual of me inside a tunnel came to me. Darkness engulfed me. I couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t hear nothing but deafening silence.
I tried running, and running and running. But the farther I get, it becomes darker.
And then I stopped.
That’s when I heard my heart saying…
” I will always with you wherever you go. Not because you don’t see my face means I have left your side. Sometimes, I have to do so, so that you’ll look for me more.”
Memories came flashing. Different moments with the Lord. Especially on the darkest and most difficult times of my life.
He was there. And never left my side.
And I know, that this is no different. I know that at the end of the dark tunnel, there is light. And He is standing there, waiting for me with that bright smile on His face and open arms to welcome me.
All He is asking of me right now, is to seek Him more. To look for Him, to search Him, to be with Him, to experience Him.
To continue walking in the dark tunnel and find the light.
And when I reach the end, He is there waiting. With much love. With much appreciation. With much excitement.
For I know, that He will meet me there. And He will wait for me till I get there. Even if it takes a long wait. He will not leave me. He will just stay and wait for me.
And if I had to go through this kind of darkness all over again, and again, and again… it would be a pleasure to do so. For I know that in this kind of darkness, is where I become closer to God. In this kind of darkness is where I get to experience His personal touch. And in this kind of experience is where He is teaching me life’s valuable lessons that only in darkness can be found.
How sweet it is to know that You will wait for me Lord. No matter what happens, yes, You will wait for me.
P.S.: Mama Mary, be with me in this journey. Hold my hand and guide me to your only Son. Amen.