It has been almost a month since we started our Masters in Religious Studies. And every class is not just another knowledge added but a deeper conviction and love for my Catholic Faith. Plus the fact that I have great professors, amazing classmates and seatmates who drive me to be more awake and competitive <I am seated between the Top1 contender of the class and the guy who dreams to change the world *wink*>
We’ve discussed with Fr. Francis about human and God experience 2-3 meetings ago. The topic came at the perfect timing for me, for it was during that time that I was in deep thought about my regrets in life – wrong decisions, failed projects, broken relationships. I was in doubt of myself, whether it was really God who lead me to make those decisions, or just ME, without consulting Him. I was clouded with much confusion, and I was asking God to lead me to His light.; to a better understanding of the things that are happening; or if not understanding, an acceptance that it all happened, it’s part of me and I couldn’t do anything about it but just learn from it and move on. It was not easy battling with these things. But my God did save the day once more, this time, making me see that YES, He was with me when all these things happened.
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When I was about to finish college, I remember telling one of my girl-friends that my life was boring, uninteresting because I didn’t have any WOW experience that I can share with anyone, that will make them realize that God is really good and true. Ever since then, I’ve been praying for that WOW experience, asking the Lord for that just ONE thing that will make my whole life turn upside down and really rely on His goodness.
And because of this thought, I failed to recognize God in the details of my life.
I was focused on that BIG, WOW experience, that I wasn’t able to see Him giving me all my dream jobs and things to accomplish. I asked Him for a big company for my first work, but when I got it, I wasn’t that too much happy about it. I asked Him to fulfill my dream to be an educator, and He gave all the necessary things that will make me one – education, license, work in DepEd, tutoring jobs and finally teaching job in one of the good schools in our area. Yes, I was happy. But it is not yet the WOW thing that I was looking for.
Then the call to mission abroad came. I thought it was THE one. The highs and lows of a mission and a missionary came as an experience. A lot of WOWs but not the one i’m looking for. I was grateful. I had a great time experiencing the Lord. Many turning points. But still not THE one.
Then my operation. I guess the Lord resorted to the one thing that will really make my stubborn heart listen to Him: sickness. I got sick. I thought it was nothing. I thought I could handle it. Well, maybe because I have this superwoman complex that I can do and handle anything. Until that WKC that I had to be rushed home due to pain. And miss the rest of the WKC. I remember crying myself to sleep. Got angry with Him for missing my 1st WKC as a KFL FTW. Questioning Him why me. I tried moving around, even attended a wedding days before my operation. But it was one of my prayer time that the Lord spoke to me in a soft voice, while my heart was shouting with questions: “I allowed this to happen to you, Khymee, for you to see me.”
WOW. Seeing God amidst the pain, the doubts, the anxieties in me? But His strategy worked. I saw His face in the many friends who visited me, doctors and nurses who took care of me, family and relatives who were there to support. I saw His hand working not only for my physical healing but healing my hurts and calming the storms in my heart. And making me a stronger and better person each day of my recovery. Allowing my doubting heart to trust again. Making all my worries gone and change it with hope that all things are already taken care of. Knowing that I have a great God and mighty Healer. Trusting that my friend Jesus was, is and will be always with me.
It wasn’t all that good and happy experience after that. Still, a lot of difficulty in work, family, relationships and personal commitment were experienced. But since the Lord already made me understand the God-experience in all things, I endured these with trust and hope that He’s in control. That all the good and the bad experiences, can be His way of calling me to be in communion with Him. That is why, when our family was struck with Mom’s cancer and death, I was able to handle it. Now, it’s not about my own strength, but about all of God’s strength and grace for me and my family.
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I realized now that at 28, many times have the Lord already made me experience that WOW that I’ve been looking for. If only I was able to shift my paradigm early and see that every experience, may it be good or bad, great or ordinary, was already a God-experience, probably, life would be better. But the Lord’s timing is always perfect. All those disappointments, failures, pain, success and victories were needed for me to reach this point and give value to every experience that the Lord is allowing me.
My prayer now is that I may be able to recognize His hand working, His arms embracing, His heart pumping and His back carrying me in this life. That I may be more sensitive of God, of how I can be in His presence every moment, on how every activity can be an amazing experience and revelation with and of Him. That my life, in every moment, in every aspect, in every desire, will always be pleasing for Him.