A terrible feeling to miss someone so much

My relationship with my Mom was a love-and-hate relationship. Today we love each other, the next day, we fight like cats and dogs.

But even if it’s like that, I love my Mom til the end. And if I will be born again, I will still choose her to be my Mom.

Lately I just missed her so much.

Maybe it’s the teleseryes, movies and even commercials i’ve been watching that made me missed Mom so much. I realized that there will be a lot of milestones in my life that she’ll miss: my graduation in Masters; going out for mission; transferring ministries; new achievements; getting married; motherhood…

I realized that I envy those scenes wherein a girl cries her heart out to her mom because she was heart broken or she’s going through a hard time. Or those scenes when a girl comes home or sends a text message to her mom giving her a good news i.e. love life. Or those scenes when you are faced with one big decision to make and you consult your Mom for that.

I’m not going to have moments like that with Mom anymore. Sometimes, when I talk to her in my prayers, I ask her how could I overcome this kind of experiences without her. It’s difficult, especially when you know that only a mother’s hug can soothe your pain at that moment. And I won’t have one…

Even if there are a lot of Titas who are willing to play Mom for you, it is still different. They are still not Mommy. But I still thank God for opportunities of having a mother in the many times I miss my real Mom.

Just like last Monday, when Nana, mom’s distant cousin and our nanny who raised us, went to manila and decided to sleep over. I knew it’s Monday and a meeting day. But that day, my desire to be with mom was so much that I decided to stay and accompany Nana. And God knows how to comfort His child. I spent the whole day like how I spend it with Mom before. For a moment, I felt like I was with my Mom, only the shorter version of her. I felt comfortable, able to share what I was going through and listen to her stories the way i listened to my Mom’s. It was a crazy and yet, a heartwarming experience. And as I slept that night, I knew that it was Mommy who asked God to give me that moment –  to ease the pain of missing her, to answer my many questions, to be affirmed that she’s just around with us always.

My heart still yearns for her presence. I know I will still have nights wherein I have to cry myself to sleep because of the loss. But I guess, moments like these make her presence more alive in me and with me. And through God’s grace, yes, only with His grace… I’ll be able to overcome this loss I feel.

 

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