How do you move on?

“How do you move on?”

This is what my brother asked me when he went home awhile ago. He cried like a baby and asking forgiveness ‘coz he can’t still moved on from our Mom’s death.

I couldn’t sleep. Usually, when he goes out with his friends, I don’t wait for him. But tonight, I just can’t sleep. I have to wait for him.

And then he came. A little drunk, yes. But crying endlessly.

I felt his pain. It’s agonizing, especially when you don’t understand why. I perfectly know what he’s going through. But I know that it’s more painful for him ‘coz he was my Mom’s little boy. Her only boy.

“Ate, masakit na sa huling hininga ni Mommy, di niya mabanggit ang pangalan ko. At ako lang.”

I was speechless. I felt like I was brought back to the night before Mommy died. When I knew anytime she’ll leave us soon. That time when I fought hard not to cry ‘coz she said so, for my family’s sake. When all I did was hold her hand, while my little brother was hugging her tightly.

It was just like it happened yesterday.

How do you move on?

My brother and I talked and cried for almost an hour. I don’t know what to say. I felt the pain of losing our Mom all over again. And more painful ‘coz I can’t do anything to ease his pain.

I don’t have answers to all his questions. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t even cry ‘coz I have to hold him or else we’ll fall. Hugs and I love yous where the only thing I did. ‘Coz really, that moment broke my heart.

I realized that I have put a wall in my heart so  that I will always be strong for my family. So that I will never experience the pain of losing Mom again. So that I can show others that I have already let you Lord, heal my loss. But I guess, there’ll be times that all the wall i’ve built around me will crumble. Just like now.

How do you move on? Tell me the ways, Lord, for I really don’t know how.

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