on leaving and being left behind

For the past week, my housemates had been leaving one by one to go back home to their provinces / countries for summer vacation. Also, it was my last meeting with my students for the second semester. Then yesterday, it was a close friend’s turn to go to Manila for an indefinite period of time. And i’m here in Bacolod, left behind.

Separation Anxiety a.k.a. #sepanx.

This has always been an issue for me – that i’d rather be the one leaving than be the one left behind. Maybe because in leaving, it is your choice to go – forced by the situation or just your freedom to choose – and its either you look back or you just walk away forever.

But it is different when you are the one being left behind.

Most of the time, I don’t have a choice but accept the fact that, that person is already gone. And I am forced to embrace the reality that you have to live with that, continue with my life and move on. I try to convince myself that it’ll be okay (even if I know that it might take some time, or not at all) but I know that there will always be a void in my heart because of the space vacated. I make myself busy, trying to fill my schedule, so that there will be no dull moment wherein I will miss him.

‘Coz I know it will hurt. A lot.

I know that I have  a choice to follow, or I can ask him to stay. But the fact that, that person is leaving, is because we can’t be together at that time, at least.

And I am left with no choice but to wait if he will come back; I don’t know when or if he will. There is uncertainty in that possibility. All I know that I hate the feeling of being left behind and left with a few choice. I just hope I know how to cope in times like this.

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